BEAUTY QUEENS by Libba Bray

Premise: An airplane full of Miss Teen Dream contestants crash lands on a deserted island. GO!

This book was fabulous from the luscious first page to the luscious last. For those fans of Libba Bray’s GOING BOVINE, you will love this latest book. It struck the perfect balance of satire and story, heart and heartbreak. A frighteningly true social commentary delivered with the expert pacing of stand-up comedy. Rather than try to explain the details of the plot, I will give you some excerpts.

Upon realizing only 13 of the 50 Miss States survived, Miss Texas rallies the survivors…

“Teen Dreamers! We need to focus like it’s the final interview round and the questions are all about anorexia and current events.”

An advertisement for Bipolar Bears…

Bipolar Bears, the Corporation’s cuddly combination vitamin and mood-leveling drugs marketed to tween and teen girls. Bipolar Bears banish bad moods and keep you beauty-queen perfect. Sold in a variety of signature bottles. Collect them all!

The girls reminisce about the once famous boy band sensation Boyz Will B Boyz…

“What was your favorite song of theirs?” Tiara asked.

“‘Let Me Shave Your Legs Tonight, Girl,” Petra blurted out.

“Omigosh, I LOVE that one!” Tiara said, clapping. “How about ‘I Only Want to Be with You’ or ‘I Just Need to Be Yours’ or ‘You, You, You’?”

Nicole chimed in. “‘I Gave Up My Hobbies So I Could Spend More Time with You.’ ‘I Love You Like a Stalker!’ Or–00h, I know: ‘Safe Tween Crush’?”…

Tiara sighed. “My mom let me use that song for my Christian pole dancing routine.”

Team-leader Miss Texas demands Miss New Hampshire to eat a grub to prove her commitment to surviving…

[Adina] crossed her arms over her chest. “No. Sorry. Not doing it.”

“I’ll do it,” Miss Arkansas volunteered.

“No. This is about Miss New Hampshire. We are the Miss Teen Dream team. We are only as strong as our weakest link. There is no I in team.”

“There’s no U in asshole, either, and yet…” Adina muttered.

“I’m dockin’ you another twenty-five cents for your potty mouth and bad attitude, Miss New Hampshire.”

“Fine. Let me just go to the JUNGLE ATM TO GET A WITHDRAWAL!”

Taylor leveled her gaze at Adina. “Do you know what your problem is, Miss New Hampshire?”

“You mean, besides the fact that my plane crashed on a hostile island, we haven’t eaten in days, you want me to chug a bug, and you keep calling me New Hampshire?”

“Your problem is not having any trust. You expect the world to fail you, so it does. And then you get all pouty-pants about it. How’s that workin’ out for you, New Hampshire?”

The girls discuss possible sources for drinking water…

“I forgot–why can’t we just drink the ocean water?” Tiara asked.

“Because people pee in there all the time,” Brittani explained with assurance.

“Also, the bloat,” Miss Ohio chimed in. “I retain like crazy.”

“No,” Shanti said. “It’s because if you drink salt water, you’ll get sick. Drink enough and you’ll die.”

Tiara raised her hand. “But will you still be bloated?”

Shanti ignored her. “It’s a tropical climate, so we get some rain every day. We can make a tarp out of Miss Massachusetts’s ugly evening gown to collect rain water to drink.”

Miss Montana made a face. “Ew. That is so hurl.”

“Actually, so hurl is the way you look when you die of dehydration.”

And all this BEFORE the bodacious pirates arrive!

Libba Bray brought it with BQ. It’s a feminist manifesto in a dazzle pony package. And I hear the audio book (narrated by Libba) is even more fantastical. I’m looking forward to it getting all the attention it deserves.

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